Throughout my years of eating disorder healing, I've experienced much pain.
I still experience much pain.
So many different kinds of pain.
Mental pain, physical pain, spiritual pain.
The pain that tingles your body and rings unwanted sensations through your mind to a point that every little sound, feeling, and touch aggravates and annoys you.
To a point where those sounds, feelings, and sensations pain you to experience them.
>>I feel the pain that others feel.<<
>>I experience the anger that others experience.<<
I even sometimes allow that anger to fuel my fire.
But, as we know, anger is not a primary emotion.
I used to believe that anger was secondary to anxiety or sadness, but I have come to see that it is secondary to pain, and anxiety and sadness are third to it.
Because pain causes anxiety and sadness, it is therefore first through the three levels of rooting into anger.
We feel pain, of any kind, then anxiety and sadness form, and we become angry. We become irritated. We become exhausted from continuing to light a fire that never stays lit.
Because anger can only light up so much. It can only take up so much space. But yet, it fills so many people.
So many people that I come in contact with today are sad, or hurting, or angry.
The tower that trickles hot water down its cracks.
The mountain that carries hard rocks down its slopes.
And the person that walks with heavy footprints with grieving tears filling the roots of the traces left behind.
Why is pain existent?
Why do we feel pain?
Why is pain so present in the lives of so many people?
Why do we feel like pain will never go away?
Because we chose to experience it.
I am not trying to down play pain. Trust me. Pain hurts. It hurts so bad. And for some time, it's good to experience pain. But there is a time for everything, and there is a time to come out of it.
But, if something hurts so bad, why on earth would we continue to sit in it, turn it into sadness, continue to throw more fuel into the fire and light ourselves up with anger?
When we experience something uncomfortable, our first instinct is to take it away. But, what most of us do, is instead of taking it away, we just replace it.
Most of the time we replace it with something that doesn't lead to an endless amount of satisfaction or healing.
It's like putting a bandaid over a wound; eventually you have to take it off and let it heal right?
But, what if we keep injuring that wound? What if we keep picking at the scab? What if we keep making it bleed?
More pain. More hurt. More bandaids.
I never realized that what was causing so much of my anxiety was from mental and physical pain that I experienced in the past.
Pain that I never healed.
They were injuries that I never even thought about putting a bandaid on.
I just kind of let them be, never really reminding myself to take care of them.
Eating disorder recovery is not about hating your body.
It's about pain.
It's about pain that we think will never go away.
You hurt, and so you cause yourself to hurt more.
You start to fuel yourself through pain, because you think that nothing else will heal that wound. Not even a bandaid.
I experienced so much pain, so much anxiety, and so much anger.
I never even thought of it in the way that I am describing now.
I never realized that the pain hurt so much. And I began to want it.
But, we can't live off of pain.
We can't become numb to it.
We have to replace pain with something that stays.
As most of you know, I am big into yoga.
I discovered yoga at a young age, and became heavy into my practice during my recovery.
And because of it, I am now healed.
I know yoga has done wonders in my life, and while this post is not all about yoga, most things in my life are centered around yogic principles and teachings, so this post is rooted in yoga.
So, how did I come to see pain in the way that I see it?
B.K.S Iyengar once said, ”Yoga does not transform the way we see things, it transforms the person who sees.”
It's all about perspective. It's all in the way we look at things.
When my dog passed away that I had for 15 years, you could imagine that I experienced much pain. But, as days passed I wondered why I was beginning to feel more happiness, and not so many tears were being shed. I started to feel guilty, for his life was gone, and I was no longer experiencing so much pain.
Because I loved him. I loved him for 15 freaking years. And I still love him. I can always love him. Even though he was physical, my love for him was spiritual. My love will always be spiritual.
You see, love CAN be physical, but love is rooted in spirituality, so even if we can't express love through touch, we can always experience love through mindfully feeling and expressing.
Yes, he went away, and so did my pain, because my love for him stays. My love for him will always stay.
And the same is for you my dear friends.
Your pain does not ever stay, if you fill it with something that does stay.
Love is pure, love is true, love is healthy, and healing.
Love stays. Love makes pain go away.
So, find love.
It doesn't always mean love for someone else, or something.
Maybe it's love through your pain.
Respect for pain creates non-attachment, and spiritually rooted love, because you are grateful for the life or things that were created before the pain began.
You've detached yourself from becoming obsessed with the pain that you felt for years, because you've attached yourself to love.
After all “Love is, in fact, an intensification of life, a completeness, a fullness, a wholeness of life.”– Thomas Merton
Your pain will go away, because love stays.
I love you all.